Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The End of A Year Without Him...the end of a blog

I've decided  to discontinue this blog and do all  future  posting here .....  My memories will never be gone and I will continue to write about Bob and our life together..I just feel it is unnecessary to try and maintain two blogs.
My thanks to all who have shared this journey with me...for your comments of encouragements and  sympathy...they all meant the world to me.

Because You Loved Us

Friday, April 15, 2011

Whose Troubled Heart is This?

Good advice that I recieved while with my "Grief Share" group last night.

"Whose Troubled Heart Is This?" 
copyright @2005 Barbara Crafton

"......You had not realized how much of your faith was tied up in the life of one person. You believe in God, Jesus says, believe also in me.  Ah, you think, I believed in a human being, put all my trust in someone no more permanent than I am.  No wonder I am so shaken.  Human beings can't be each others' gods.  Only God is God.

We can't help doing it, of course.  It's just the way we are.  Our hearts are so full, and give themselves so completely to what they love ...eventually what we love goes away and we get clobbered.

Try to remember that your beloved is not God.  He will die (mine did)..or you will - one of you will be left alone.  The silence on the other end of the relationship makes you wonder if there's anybody there.  The banality of your ongoing unpartnered life can make you feel angry and bitter..(I have not been angry or bitter...disappointed, yes.)  

Love each other well, even if it must be foolishly, as it always must be - you will be sorry at the end of your life if your fear of losing love keeps you from ever knowing it, and you will know firsthand that it really is better to haved loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Accept the kindness of those who see your sorrow, and forgive the blindness of those who cannot allow themselves to see it.

And then abide with God, after you have lost everything else.  So different from the unseen good fairy you may once have thought he was, before your life taught you anything different. So eternally present, so unafraid of your wildest grief or most violent rage....Because your spiritual sense have been changed by your trauma, you now sense things differently.  Be patient with yourself as you learn what that way is.  And then drink deeply and often at the well."

Is that a faint  shaft of light breaking through a  crack in my psyche..?.
It's been a long, hard year.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lincoln County, Tn.

It was a beautiful day yesterday for our short drive up to the cemetery..the boys helped remove the faded flowers to be replaced with new ones...dogwood stems, purple sweet pea, ferns and Ivy...when finished we drove on into Fayetteville, Tn....picked up some bar-b-que sandwiches and drinks...stopped at a park to eat...then went by WalMart before returning the 15 miles back home.

Monday, April 4, 2011

To Where You Are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen?

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Feeling The Loss Of Him

Standing, walking, coming through the line
greeting you, for a moment, sharing
but a snapshot, a burst, of what I was feeling,
so small compared to the enormity
the reality of your loss.

Feeling so small, standing in the line,
before I approached you.
Thinking of what his loss
means to me, to so many,
as written in the paper
Murmured in the court, on the phone
with out practitioners.

Reading so many stories,
so many telling words,
the lives he touched, changed
for the better, truly.
Of his help to me,
guidance and rebuttal,
chastised and cajoled

Feeling the loss of him
so acutely, still.

September 19, 2007 13:13
Raymond A. Foss

Saturday, February 12, 2011


The sun is not shining
the flowers are not blooming
the weather is not cooperating
Ten months and I still think of nothing else

yet, here I am...
  in all honesty I'm here often...just reluctant to write...
.... what I want to write is not not good for my children to hear....many nights what I want to say is  "Oh how I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up".

Barbara tries so hard so much of herself to help me through this...while dealing with her own grief. What would I ever do without her..she works four, twelve-hour another half day every-other Saturday...and yet in the midst of running her own business she deals with many "life issues" with her friends and employees...because her employees are her friends ....she loves those six  girls..Christina, Tanya, Judy, Emily, Maggie and, of course, her own Laura Leigh
In addition to puting up with me, involving herself so much with her friends, she also has her own two children and four grandchilden to whom she gives much of herself.  She has such a BIG, open, wise and giving heart and spirit. She sees to it that I eat, she spends some amount of time  with me every day.., no matter how small..she will sit and knit while watching  movies with me at night..because I watch many movies..  she  prefers comedy,love stories, primarily "feel good" movies, while I, on the other hand prefer drama, action,  and love stories....she will watch whatever I want...
  I'm aware of how  blessed I am with her, and others,...her friends have become my friends...yet still all I can think about  and would want to write about is my loss, my loneliness, my grief. There are hours in  most   days  when I'm busy and preocupied with other things...but also hours in every day and night when I'm just deeply involved with him...and the strangest thing! It has occured a few times that when I'm absorbed on the computer   or in watching  a movie..and I get up to go to bed or to the living room or to the kitchen to do something else, for a few seconds I think to myself.."I've got to be quiet so as to not wake him." memory has clouded for just a brief few seconds and I forget that he's not here....when that moment passes and my mind returns to the present  it's like a knife in my heart .

Hence, if I were to return to posting on this blog here is what I'd say:

I was just happily breezing  along ..  a past that was blessed, a present that was content and thankful and  looking foward to a few more good years together...then in 10 months time (June 4, 09 - April '10)  my dear husband went
 from this

to this...
April 10, 2010
after recieving  radiation treatments daily, for 7 weeks,  followed by respirator failure, twice,  he spent  two weeks in ICU at Baylor...then  we were  here at Kindred Hospital, Dallas the entire month of September 2009 for trach weening and rehab.


After going home he tried so hard to regain some strength...
he seemed to be doing better and  tests showed no cancer . I was thrilled, he was skeptical...because he was so sick and weak...radiation had done much salavia glands, unable to swallow since the second week of feeding tube (turned out to be for the rest of his life),,lost 30 lbs.

Nov. 14, 2009    look at that sweet smile...after all he had endured...

he tried to walk some every day....I followed him with his wheel chair...just in case...

so we followed through with our plans to move to Alabama, where our cabin was being build..we left Dallas on Dec. 20th...Barbara, and the boys greet us at the Huntsville airport..

Dec. 31st...  Eddie, Herk, Laura  and some of the grandkids drove from Dallas,bringing our furniture, etc.,

 He would spent most of the day  in Barbs kitchen watching our cabin being built.....  Until he could no longer sit up         .Dec 22, 2009

Jan. 19, 2010..on her backporch

His condition worsened...he began having seizure-like episodes ... he had four doctors...Oncologist, Neurologist, ENT (Otolaryngologis), and a geriatric GP...we ran him around from place to place in an attempt to make sure we covered all the everything possible to help him...we were so afraid that we would miss something. He suffered bruising to his brain after a fall. In addition we had Home Health visits 2 - 3 times a week...and then later, Hospice. .
He was hospitalized  3 times in Feb. and March...pneumonia.....and then  for nearly 3 weeks, he lay unable to hear, unable to speak,  ...the radiation continued to do it's damage...  his last three weeks of life ...until April 13th.... he was mostly unable to move (his arm would raise and jerk involuntarily)...his eyes were rarely open.. For the most part, he was off into another place...preparing for death.

 I'm so thankful for Hospice and that we had him at home...that I was able to care for him..that my girls were here to help me, .that I was able to be beside him, holding him , telling him that I loved him... as he left this heart yearns for the day we are together again

                                                    March 21    ....Laura and Laura Leigh

                                                              March 28     Barbara

April 10   Nicki

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Dear God

Can you speak a little louder? Won't you please rescue me from those identity thieves... the seductive voices that whisper I no longer exist?...those insistent voices that shout I no longer want an identity beyond what I had with him.

"When you lose the path that lights your way, you feel that you have died."

I HAVE DIED.. joy, contentment, pleasure, giving and receiving  love, the warmth of companionship, relationship that grew from teenage adoration into mature bonding of body, heart and soul.  ...has died...only the memories remain.. "memories are a way of holding on to the things you don't want to lose or forget"... they are also who you are....or, in my case, who I was...I no longer exist.

Well meaning friends and professional counselors alike advise: "allow yourself to feel your pain and cry out your loss and anguish...and as you let it go, you will find the strength and courage to put your life in perspective and move on."  In my case, move on to what?  I'm 76 years old...I've had it all...God has blessed us beyond measure..a large and devoted family, enough  security to enjoy the necessities of life and then some, friends who last a lifetime and truly care, and above all, each other.  All I want is  to find a way to survive this anguish ... to make it through whatever time is left without being  an emotional  burden to those who love me, to be useful instead of so needy.

And in reality can you  be expected to let go of your entire life, or let go of the one who  shared each day of can you let it go?  He existed... He was...He is...He's just not with me..and though it pains me beyound measure, I will not let him go.... He is mine and I am his...always and this life and the next.

"You slowly took your final breath, t'was me, my dear, who died a death."

Psalm 28:1-2
 "To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me,I become like those who go down to the pit.  Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help,when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary."

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Dying Christian To His Soul

Vital spark of heav'nly flame,
Quit, oh, quit, this mortal frame!
Trembling, hoping, ling'ring, flying,
Oh, the pain, the bliss of dying!

Cease, fond Nature, cease thy strife,
And let me languish into life!
Hark! they whisper; Angels say,
Sister Spirit, come away.

What is this absorbs me quite,
Steals my senses, shuts my sight,
Drowns my spirits, draws my breath?
Tell me, my Soul! can this be Death?

The world recedes; it disappears;
Heav'n opens on my eyes; my ears
With sounds seraphic ring:
Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly!

O Grave! where is thy Victory?

O Death! where is thy Sting?

Alexander Pope

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Monday, January 10, 2011

....Enjoy our beautiful snow...

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been snowing here for the last 7 - 8 hrs....tapering off but forecast is for snow continuing through tomorrow...appx. 12 " total...and freezing weather most of the it'll be around for a while.
pictures tomorrow...if I can make it over to Barb's car is pretty much covered and snow banks on the side....not keen on climbing up her back stairs...(my dang computer no longer recognizes my camera settings, installation disc got smashed so until I work all that out I have to download on her puter...ugh)

It's 4:30 am...'been up all night...

Sunday, January 9, 2011


God gives us so many promises in the Bible..really neat promises...

"Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"God is our refuge and strength, a very  present help in time of trouble."  Psalm 46:1

" Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4: 6 & 7

"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. "Matthew 5:4

" (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he swore unto them." Deuteronomy 4:31

I have discovered much about myself since Bob died....

quote from another blog: "I need a faith booster shot!"
My faith has been tested like never before...I'm pretty sure I failed the test because for most of the past eight months I have not felt peace, comfort, help, rest...
My mind tells me that we cannot accept parts of the Bible as truth but doubt other parts...I trust in His words that tell us:

   "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also."  John 14:1-3

“And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt. And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever.” Daniel 12.2-3.

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).

  How can this trust and acceptance of life after death be a sound belief  while doubt of His other promises of peace, comfort, rest, etc...remain in the heart?

I'm sure I'm missing something here...but I'm also sure that God knows my heart and loves me anyway...

quote from another blog:
"Grieving is okay but you shouldn't wallow in it."
I've been wallowing for eight months...This grieving is no joke but I can't turn it off. How long will this be going on?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Into The Arms of God

A friend sent me this reading by Max Lucado... Thank you Beverly.
It is very comforting as it helps reinforce  teaching from the Bible that I've embraced most of my life. I believe that no one can TRULY say, without a shred of doubt, "this is how it will be" can we possibly know without a doubt?  My former pastor would often say to us "God is God and we are not!". There is no way that any mortal can know the mind of way. 

"God’s thoughts and ways are as far above our human abilities as the heavens are above the earth (Isa. 55:8–9)."

  But the Holy Bible, Gods Word is here for us, it has survived for generations  for a reason...for a purpose. Some  believe that Christians accept it only because it offers comfort  in the belief that there is more for us beyond this life...that  it provides the means to bear the sorrow and grief that comes to us when we lose our loved ones. I've heard even many Christians say things like "how lost and bereaved the unbelievers are without hope".  I can tell you one thing for certain;  having this faith, this belief, this acceptance does not spare the believer the sorrow and grief that can consume and smother you at those times. ...the words shared below by Max Lucado  give comfort, strengthens faith,  and reinforces hope. God bless.


"What about my loved ones who have died? Where are they now? In the time between our death and Christ’s return, what happens?

Scripture is surprisingly quiet about this phase of our lives. When speaking about the period between the death of the body and the resurrection of the body, the Bible doesn’t shout; it just whispers. But at the confluence of these whispers, a firm voice is heard. This authoritative voice assures us that, at death, the Christian immediately enters into the presence of God and enjoys conscious fellowship with the Father and with those who have gone before.
Isn’t this the promise that Jesus gave the thief on the cross? Earlier the thief had rebuked Jesus. Now he repents and asks for mercy. “Remember me when you come into your kingdom” (Luke 23:42). Likely, the thief is praying that he be remembered in some distant time in the future when the kingdom comes. He didn’t expect an immediate answer. But he received one: “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise” (v. 43). The primary message of this passage is God’s unlimited and surprising grace. But a secondary message is the immediate translation of the saved into the presence of God. The soul of the believer journeys home, while the body of the believer awaits the resurrection.

Some don’t agree with this thought. They propose an intermediate period of purgation, a “holding tank” in which we are punished for our sins.This “purgatory” is the place where, for an undetermined length of time, we receive what our sins deserve so that we can rightly receive what God has prepared.

But two things trouble me about this teaching. For one, none of us can endure what our sins deserve. For another, Jesus already has. The Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death, not purgatory (see Rom. 6:23). The Bible also teaches that Jesus became our purgatory and took our punishment: “When he had brought about the purgation of sins, he took his seat at the right hand of Majesty on high” (Heb. 1:3 neb). There is no purgatory because purgatory occurred at Calvary.

Others feel that while the body is buried, the soul is asleep. They come by their conviction honestly enough. Seven different times in two different epistles, Paul uses the term sleep to refer to death (see 1 Cor. 11:30; 15:6, 18, 20; 1 Thess. 4:13–15). One could certainly deduce that the time spent between death and the return of Christ is spent sleeping. (And, if such is the case, who would complain? We could certainly use the rest!)

But there is one problem. The Bible refers to some who have already died, and they are anything but asleep. Their bodies are sleeping, but their souls are wide awake. Revelation 6:9–11 refers to the souls of martyrs who cry out for justice on the earth. Matthew 17:3 speaks of Moses and Elijah, who appeared on the Mount of Transfiguration with Jesus. Even Samuel, who came back from the grave, was described wearing a robe and having the appearance of a god (1 Sam. 28:13–14). And what about the cloud of witnesses who surround us (Heb. 12:1)? Couldn’t these be the heroes of our faith and the loved ones of our lives who have gone before?

I think so. When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God. We don’t like to say good-bye to those whom we love. It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here. They have no pain there. They struggled here. They have no struggles there. You and I might wonder why God took them home. But they don’t. They understand. They are, at this very moment, at peace in the presence of God."

by Max Lucado

Saturday, January 1, 2011

April 10, 1952

Following is the last letter I received from Bob while he was in Korea in 1951-52. It is # 45..the first one was dated June 5, 1951...'don't know if there were more and I lost them or if we just stopped writing.  He came home 7 months after this early January, 1953....we were married 3 months later.

"Hi Hillbilly,
   Have you thrown your shoes away for the summer yet? I put mine in storage the last of May but had to unpack them the first day of April because it snowed.
   What do you know...I finagled a three day pass two weeks ago and did I have a great time."

(It always bugged me when he would talk about having a good time!  How could he possibly have a good time without me?)

   "Sgt. Rivera and I traveled to Bremerhaven in his auto, a distance of approximately 700 miles. We passed through a number of large cities; Frankfort, Kassel, Hanover, Bremen, Bremerhaven, Wurzburg..not to mention the small ones. We ran out of gas in the British zone and pulled a midnight requisition on an English Petroleum Detachment.  This was done with the aid of a Canadian officer.  In writing, it doesn't sound humorous, but you should have been there.  I've never felt so devilish in all my life. We drove down and rode the train back.  We must have slept in every railroad station in the American and British Zone of Germany.
   So you like the '52 Ford Victoria?

Have you seen the new Buick Special? I haven't but rumors have it that they are beautiful.

To be truthful all the new model autos are out of this world. I'll probably have to compromise and get a fast horse and buggy. I'd be perfectly content with walking if you'd walk with me.  How does that old song go?  "My old jalopy's a Cadillac when you go riding with me."  Considering all the angles though, I'd better buy an auto, just think of the shoe leather I'd wear out, walking from home to 520 W. Liberty and back."

(this is the first auto we purchased after we were married: a 1951 Dodge:)

This is the first NEW auto we purchased..I think that it was a Ford Fairlane...a  classy car driven by a very classy guy..

back to his letter:

"I think I'd better alter this letter a bit and get to the point.  Know something, Kitten, I'm in a predicament.  I'm not sure I know exactly how to tell you, or even how to begin.  The whole affair started last year in the month of May. I fell madly, no that isn't the word..., I glided into love with the sweetest personality I've ever known.  Since then my existence has been rather bare as I only had the pleasure of being with her for eleven days.  I say "glided into love"  because that's exactly how it was.  So smooth, nice and comfortable. I get bored with myself because I can't tell you exactly how I feel toward you.  The English language doesn't include a word, or words, to express my emotions.  I could say, I love you, you're wonderful, you're beautiful, etc...and then what have I accomplished?  Nothing.  Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.  The very words I've tried to use effectively only blight the sincerity of my affections.  Why? Because they're only transcripts of someone else.  I hope you are following me as I'm getting ahead of myself trying to explain.  To make a long story short, when I say "I love you", you can be sure that it goes much deeper than that.
   And by the way, no one has written me about you going out every night and that's not the reason that prevented me from writing.  I'm neither so egotistical or conceited as to think you aren't dating other fellows.  I want you to enjoy yourself.  And another thing, I don't have people to spy on my girlfriend.  I wouldn't love you if I didn't trust and respect you."
     Goodnight Kitten,
     I love you, deeply, passionately, and forever

  this excerpt from his previous letter dated March 5th...
"Kitten, take some good advice. Have as much fun as possible while you're in high school. Date every available, decent male that you can because you'll miss those good times after you're out of school. Believe it or not, I didn't date anyone while I was in high school. During the last 4 years I've tried to make up for all the time I lost though,. I want you to be sure in your own mind that you're ready to settle down before I get back. I hope that I'm not taking too much for granted in talking to you this way."