Can you speak a little louder? Won't you please rescue me from those identity thieves... the seductive voices that whisper I no longer exist?...those insistent voices that shout I no longer want an identity beyond what I had with him.
"When you lose the path that lights your way, you feel that you have died."
I HAVE DIED.. joy, contentment, pleasure, giving and receiving love, the warmth of companionship, relationship that grew from teenage adoration into mature bonding of body, heart and soul. ...has died...only the memories remain.. "memories are a way of holding on to the things you don't want to lose or forget"... they are also who you are....or, in my case, who I was...I no longer exist.
Well meaning friends and professional counselors alike advise: "allow yourself to feel your pain and cry out your loss and anguish...and as you let it go, you will find the strength and courage to put your life in perspective and move on." In my case, move on to what? I'm 76 years old...I've had it all...God has blessed us beyond measure..a large and devoted family, enough security to enjoy the necessities of life and then some, friends who last a lifetime and truly care, and above all, each other. All I want is to find a way to survive this anguish ... to make it through whatever time is left without being an emotional burden to those who love me, to be useful instead of so needy.
And in reality ..how can you be expected to let go of your entire life, or let go of the one who shared each day of it.....how can you let it go? He existed... He was...He is...He's just not with me..and though it pains me beyound measure, I will not let him go.... He is mine and I am his...always and forever...in this life and the next.
"You slowly took your final breath, t'was me, my dear, who died a death."
"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me,I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help,when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary."