in all honesty I'm here often...just reluctant to write...
.... what I want to write is not good..is not good for my children to hear....many nights what I want to say is "Oh how I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up".
Barbara tries so hard ..gives so much of herself to help me through this...while dealing with her own grief. What would I ever do without her..she works four, twelve-hour days...at least..plus another half day every-other Saturday...and yet in the midst of running her own business she deals with many "life issues" with her friends and employees...because her employees are her friends ....she loves those six girls..Christina, Tanya, Judy, Emily, Maggie and, of course, her own Laura Leigh
In addition to puting up with me, involving herself so much with her friends, she also has her own two children and four grandchilden to whom she gives much of herself. She has such a BIG, open, wise and giving heart and spirit. She sees to it that I eat, she spends some amount of time with me every day.., no matter how small..she will sit and knit while watching movies with me at night..because I watch many movies.. she prefers comedy,love stories, primarily "feel good" movies, while I, on the other hand prefer drama, action, and love stories....she will watch whatever I want...
I'm aware of how blessed I am with her, and others,...her friends have become my friends...yet still all I can think about and would want to write about is my loss, my loneliness, my grief. There are hours in most days when I'm busy and preocupied with other things...but also hours in every day and night when I'm just deeply involved with him...and the strangest thing! It has occured a few times that when I'm absorbed on the computer or in watching a movie..and I get up to go to bed or to the living room or to the kitchen to do something else, for a few seconds I think to myself.."I've got to be quiet so as to not wake him."..my memory has clouded for just a brief few seconds and I forget that he's not here....when that moment passes and my mind returns to the present it's like a knife in my heart .
Hence, if I were to return to posting on this blog here is what I'd say:
I was just happily breezing along .. a past that was blessed, a present that was content and thankful and looking foward to a few more good years together...then in 10 months time (June 4, 09 - April '10) my dear husband went
April 10, 2010
after recieving radiation treatments daily, for 7 weeks, followed by respirator failure, twice, he spent two weeks in ICU at Baylor...then we were here at Kindred Hospital, Dallas the entire month of September 2009 for trach weening and rehab.
After going home he tried so hard to regain some strength...
he seemed to be doing better and tests showed no cancer . I was thrilled, he was skeptical...because he was so sick and weak...radiation had done much damage..no salavia glands, unable to swallow since the second week of radiation...so feeding tube (turned out to be for the rest of his life),,lost 30 lbs.
Nov. 14, 2009 look at that sweet smile...after all he had endured...
he tried to walk some every day....I followed him with his wheel chair...just in case...
so we followed through with our plans to move to Alabama, where our cabin was being build..we left Dallas on Dec. 20th...Barbara, and the boys greet us at the Huntsville airport..
Dec. 31st... Eddie, Herk, Laura and some of the grandkids drove from Dallas,bringing our furniture, etc.,
He would spent most of the day in Barbs kitchen watching our cabin being built..... Until he could no longer sit up .Dec 22, 2009
Jan. 19, 2010..on her backporch
His condition worsened...he began having seizure-like episodes ... he had four doctors...Oncologist, Neurologist, ENT (Otolaryngologis), and a geriatric GP...we ran him around from place to place in an attempt to make sure we covered all the bases...do everything possible to help him...we were so afraid that we would miss something. He suffered bruising to his brain after a fall. In addition we had Home Health visits 2 - 3 times a week...and then later, Hospice. .
He was hospitalized 3 times in Feb. and March...pneumonia.....and then for nearly 3 weeks, he lay unable to hear, unable to speak, ...the radiation continued to do it's damage... his last three weeks of life ...until April 13th.... he was mostly unable to move (his arm would raise and jerk involuntarily)...his eyes were rarely open.. For the most part, he was off into another place...preparing for death.
I'm so thankful for Hospice and that we had him at home...that I was able to care for him..that my girls were here to help me, .that I was able to be beside him, holding him , telling him that I loved him... as he left this world....my heart yearns for the day we are together again