Good advice that I recieved while with my "Grief Share" group last night.
"Whose Troubled Heart Is This?"
copyright @2005 Barbara Crafton
"......You had not realized how much of your faith was tied up in the life of one person. You believe in God, Jesus says, believe also in me. Ah, you think, I believed in a human being, put all my trust in someone no more permanent than I am. No wonder I am so shaken. Human beings can't be each others' gods. Only God is God.
We can't help doing it, of course. It's just the way we are. Our hearts are so full, and give themselves so completely to what they love ...eventually what we love goes away and we get clobbered.
Try to remember that your beloved is not God. He will die (mine did)..or you will - one of you will be left alone. The silence on the other end of the relationship makes you wonder if there's anybody there. The banality of your ongoing unpartnered life can make you feel angry and bitter..(I have not been angry or bitter...disappointed, yes.)
Love each other well, even if it must be foolishly, as it always must be - you will be sorry at the end of your life if your fear of losing love keeps you from ever knowing it, and you will know firsthand that it really is better to haved loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Accept the kindness of those who see your sorrow, and forgive the blindness of those who cannot allow themselves to see it.
And then abide with God, after you have lost everything else. So different from the unseen good fairy you may once have thought he was, before your life taught you anything different. So eternally present, so unafraid of your wildest grief or most violent rage....Because your spiritual sense have been changed by your trauma, you now sense things differently. Be patient with yourself as you learn what that way is. And then drink deeply and often at the well."
Is that a faint shaft of light breaking through a crack in my psyche..?.
It's been a long, hard year.