I've decided to discontinue this blog and do all future posting here .....http://peeteslanding.blogspot.com/ My memories will never be gone and I will continue to write about Bob and our life together..I just feel it is unnecessary to try and maintain two blogs.
My thanks to all who have shared this journey with me...for your comments of encouragements and sympathy...they all meant the world to me.
Good advice that I recieved while with my "Grief Share" group last night.
"Whose Troubled Heart Is This?"
copyright @2005 Barbara Crafton
"......You had not realized how much of your faith was tied up in the life of one person. You believe in God, Jesus says, believe also in me. Ah, you think, I believed in a human being, put all my trust in someone no more permanent than I am. No wonder I am so shaken. Human beings can't be each others' gods. Only God is God.
We can't help doing it, of course. It's just the way we are. Our hearts are so full, and give themselves so completely to what they love ...eventually what we love goes away and we get clobbered.
Try to remember that your beloved is not God. He will die (mine did)..or you will - one of you will be left alone. The silence on the other end of the relationship makes you wonder if there's anybody there. The banality of your ongoing unpartnered life can make you feel angry and bitter..(I have not been angry or bitter...disappointed, yes.)
Love each other well, even if it must be foolishly, as it always must be - you will be sorry at the end of your life if your fear of losing love keeps you from ever knowing it, and you will know firsthand that it really is better to haved loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Accept the kindness of those who see your sorrow, and forgive the blindness of those who cannot allow themselves to see it.
And then abide with God, after you have lost everything else. So different from the unseen good fairy you may once have thought he was, before your life taught you anything different. So eternally present, so unafraid of your wildest grief or most violent rage....Because your spiritual sense have been changed by your trauma, you now sense things differently. Be patient with yourself as you learn what that way is. And then drink deeply and often at the well."
Is that a faint shaft of light breaking through a crack in my psyche..?.
It's been a long, hard year.
It was a beautiful day yesterday for our short drive up to the cemetery..the boys helped remove the faded flowers to be replaced with new ones...dogwood stems, purple sweet pea, ferns and Ivy...when finished we drove on into Fayetteville, Tn....picked up some bar-b-que sandwiches and drinks...stopped at a park to eat...then went by WalMart before returning the 15 miles back home.
in all honesty I'm here often...just reluctant to write...
.... what I want to write is not good..is not good for my children to hear....many nights what I want to say is "Oh how I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up".
Barbara tries so hard ..gives so much of herself to help me through this...while dealing with her own grief. What would I ever do without her..she works four, twelve-hour days...at least..plus another half day every-other Saturday...and yet in the midst of running her own business she deals with many "life issues" with her friends and employees...because her employees are her friends ....she loves those six girls..Christina, Tanya, Judy, Emily, Maggie and, of course, her own Laura Leigh
In addition to puting up with me, involving herself so much with her friends, she also has her own two children and four grandchilden to whom she gives much of herself. She has such a BIG, open, wise and giving heart and spirit. She sees to it that I eat, she spends some amount of time with me every day.., no matter how small..she will sit and knit while watching movies with me at night..because I watch many movies.. she prefers comedy,love stories, primarily "feel good" movies, while I, on the other hand prefer drama, action, and love stories....she will watch whatever I want...
I'm aware of how blessed I am with her, and others,...her friends have become my friends...yet still all I can think about and would want to write about is my loss, my loneliness, my grief. There are hours in most days when I'm busy and preocupied with other things...but also hours in every day and night when I'm just deeply involved with him...and the strangest thing! It has occured a few times that when I'm absorbed on the computer or in watching a movie..and I get up to go to bed or to the living room or to the kitchen to do something else, for a few seconds I think to myself.."I've got to be quiet so as to not wake him."..my memory has clouded for just a brief few seconds and I forget that he's not here....when that moment passes and my mind returns to the present it's like a knife in my heart .
Hence, if I were to return to posting on this blog here is what I'd say:
I was just happily breezing along .. a past that was blessed, a present that was content and thankful and looking foward to a few more good years together...then in 10 months time (June 4, 09 - April '10) my dear husband went
April 10, 2010
after recieving radiation treatments daily, for 7 weeks, followed by respirator failure, twice, he spent two weeks in ICU at Baylor...then we were here at Kindred Hospital, Dallas the entire month of September 2009 for trach weening and rehab.
After going home he tried so hard to regain some strength...
he seemed to be doing better and tests showed no cancer . I was thrilled, he was skeptical...because he was so sick and weak...radiation had done much damage..no salavia glands, unable to swallow since the second week of radiation...so feeding tube (turned out to be for the rest of his life),,lost 30 lbs.
Nov. 14, 2009 look at that sweet smile...after all he had endured...
he tried to walk some every day....I followed him with his wheel chair...just in case...
so we followed through with our plans to move to Alabama, where our cabin was being build..we left Dallas on Dec. 20th...Barbara, and the boys greet us at the Huntsville airport..
Dec. 31st... Eddie, Herk, Laura and some of the grandkids drove from Dallas,bringing our furniture, etc.,
He would spent most of the day in Barbs kitchen watching our cabin being built..... Until he could no longer sit up .Dec 22, 2009
Jan. 19, 2010..on her backporch
His condition worsened...he began having seizure-like episodes ... he had four doctors...Oncologist, Neurologist, ENT (Otolaryngologis), and a geriatric GP...we ran him around from place to place in an attempt to make sure we covered all the bases...do everything possible to help him...we were so afraid that we would miss something. He suffered bruising to his brain after a fall. In addition we had Home Health visits 2 - 3 times a week...and then later, Hospice. .
He was hospitalized 3 times in Feb. and March...pneumonia.....and then for nearly 3 weeks, he lay unable to hear, unable to speak, ...the radiation continued to do it's damage... his last three weeks of life ...until April 13th.... he was mostly unable to move (his arm would raise and jerk involuntarily)...his eyes were rarely open.. For the most part, he was off into another place...preparing for death.
I'm so thankful for Hospice and that we had him at home...that I was able to care for him..that my girls were here to help me, .that I was able to be beside him, holding him , telling him that I loved him... as he left this world....my heart yearns for the day we are together again
Can you speak a little louder? Won't you please rescue me from those identity thieves... the seductive voices that whisper I no longer exist?...those insistent voices that shout I no longer want an identity beyond what I had with him.
"When you lose the path that lights your way, you feel that you have died."
I HAVE DIED.. joy, contentment, pleasure, giving and receiving love, the warmth of companionship, relationship that grew from teenage adoration into mature bonding of body, heart and soul. ...has died...only the memories remain.. "memories are a way of holding on to the things you don't want to lose or forget"... they are also who you are....or, in my case, who I was...I no longer exist.
Well meaning friends and professional counselors alike advise: "allow yourself to feel your pain and cry out your loss and anguish...and as you let it go, you will find the strength and courage to put your life in perspective and move on." In my case, move on to what? I'm 76 years old...I've had it all...God has blessed us beyond measure..a large and devoted family, enough security to enjoy the necessities of life and then some, friends who last a lifetime and truly care, and above all, each other. All I want is to find a way to survive this anguish ... to make it through whatever time is left without being an emotional burden to those who love me, to be useful instead of so needy.
And in reality ..how can you be expected to let go of your entire life, or let go of the one who shared each day of it.....how can you let it go? He existed... He was...He is...He's just not with me..and though it pains me beyound measure, I will not let him go.... He is mine and I am his...always and forever...in this life and the next.
"You slowly took your final breath, t'was me, my dear, who died a death."
"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me,I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help,when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary."