Monday, April 26, 2010

Phases and Stages...(Not the Willie Nelson Song)

Only two weeks have passed...it seems much longer...What "stage" am I in, I ask?
I don't want to hear about "stages"!    I don't want to be in stages!

After reading "Gone From My Sight", "Good Grief" and "Whispers In The Darkness" it seems I'm fitting right in the mold
   ...but how can that be? ..."my loss is so much deeper than anyone elses"....
Typical thought for a grieving person the books say...

I'm completely out of control...can't find anything...can't finish anything...go from room to room forgetting why I'm in there...have little projects started and unfinished in every room in this house...I haven't even filed my income tax returns...and I don't care!  I have  built "shrines" to him...the countless pictures and  videos...the thoughts only of his goodness, none of his faults...I lie down to sleep clinging to his favorite sweatshirt and pillow...I'm spending money like there's no tomorrow...feelings of guilt over things done or not done for my beloved...and on and on..
    all normal
 But how can that be? My loss is not normal...it's much worse than normal.
Typical thought for us grievers the books say...

"Time will heal"..."it will get easier"...."the Lord will give you strength"...I know this is true but I  don't  want  to  hear  these  things...I"M SUFFERING HERE!..my life as it has been for 60 years is over...and it went out in a very painful, deeply hurtful  way...for both of us...and I'm angry about that.

Okay...that's said.....I'll take my sleep aides and anti-depressants and say goodnight.

1 comment:

  1. Laura Peete ShireyApril 28, 2010 at 9:32 PM

    I wish I could ease your pain. Mine is different than yours. He was your soul mate. He was my dad. You interacted with him on a daily basis. I didn't. Life has changed for you-for us. I am just so grateful that you have Barbara and her family to be with every day. I pray your sorrow decreases, bit by bit. I love your pictures, your "shrines" of dad. It helps us remember his life. It is priceless the memories you have helped keep through pictures. I love you mom. Laura

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your comments..I enjoy receiving them..