Shall I write about it...or just put it behind me...perhaps sharing will help accomplish that....
Four miserable days in the hospital...four days of uncertainty...four days of waiting for something else to happen...anything else...three days of looking into his eyes and he's not there....overpowered by something out of control...invited in by withdrawing from the drugs that had helped him get through the last month...but too much vicadin...too much finally overpowered him...so all was withheld...to start over again with something different later.. In movies and on TV you can see what drug addicts experience when withdrawing...to watch your sweet, loving soul mate suffer through that is heartbreaking...the hallucinations, anxiety, fidgeting, tremors, confusion, fear, three days of insomnia, his arms and hands sometimes reaching out to nothing that we could see...thank God my children were with me! ..and thank God he does not remember.
We are home now...the place he begged and sometimes fought to get to..he would climb out of his bed before we could get to him and when asked where he was going replied "I'm going home"...when told that he could not go home right now, he was too sick, or it was too hot outside, or we had to wait for the doctor..or whatever we could come up with, he sometimes would struggle with us for a moment, until he was too weak to do anything but fall back into bed. Other times he would just be very meek and compliant...fondling the sleeve of my blouse, or whatever he could grasp in his hand at the time...he got little sleep until early in the third day...and then...they needed to do an MRI and because he was unable to remain still he was given Ativan...a drug used to treat anxiety, bring about calmness...it worked in reverse on him...so another half day of this getting through his system.
On Tuesday (his blood pressure was normal, blood sugar had returned to an acceptable level, his sodium level was down near where it should be, and his oxygen level normal again) I asked the Dr. if it would be safe to take him home. He consented...saying that there was nothing more they could do for him at the hospital that could not be done at home. He is receiving an antibiotic for the bronical infection he has, breathing treatments twice a day, blood sugar tested twice a day, and except for Tylenol PM he is on no pain med... except for the tenderness in his mouth and inability to swallow he is comfortable, as he has had no radiation treatments for nine days,...and gaining strength every day.
Therein lies a different challenge...he wants his life back like it was, or not at all...he is considering not continuing treatments. He lacks 14 radium treatments and 3 chemo to complete the scheduled plan. The doctor has said that without it he would die...but, also, even with it he could die...God knows what is happening, He knows what lies ahead, He knows what decision is best...please God, open Bobs heart to receive your direction as to what is the right decision...it is in Your hands.