Can you speak a little louder? Won't you please rescue me from those identity thieves... the seductive voices that whisper I no longer exist?...those insistent voices that shout I no longer want an identity beyond what I had with him.
"When you lose the path that lights your way, you feel that you have died."
I HAVE DIED.. joy, contentment, pleasure, giving and receiving love, the warmth of companionship, relationship that grew from teenage adoration into mature bonding of body, heart and soul. ...has died...only the memories remain.. "memories are a way of holding on to the things you don't want to lose or forget"... they are also who you are....or, in my case, who I was...I no longer exist.
Well meaning friends and professional counselors alike advise: "allow yourself to feel your pain and cry out your loss and anguish...and as you let it go, you will find the strength and courage to put your life in perspective and move on." In my case, move on to what? I'm 76 years old...I've had it all...God has blessed us beyond measure..a large and devoted family, enough security to enjoy the necessities of life and then some, friends who last a lifetime and truly care, and above all, each other. All I want is to find a way to survive this anguish ... to make it through whatever time is left without being an emotional burden to those who love me, to be useful instead of so needy.
And in reality ..how can you be expected to let go of your entire life, or let go of the one who shared each day of it.....how can you let it go? He existed... He was...He is...He's just not with me..and though it pains me beyound measure, I will not let him go.... He is mine and I am his...always and forever...in this life and the next.
"You slowly took your final breath, t'was me, my dear, who died a death."
Psalm 28:1-2
"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me,I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help,when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary."
Oh sweet Charlene!
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to forget about Bob! Let those memories be sweet music to your heart. I grieve because you are hurting and I know you feel I don't know anything as I am not there. You will keep him in your heart always until you meet him again. My prayer is that God will put some need in your life that will ease the pain and help you to feel needed and wanted again. Don't give up!
The God of all grace, who called(Bob)to his eternal glory in Christ,after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:
10 - love you, Jo Ann
Dear Charlene, I am so dreadfully sorry. Your family must grieve, too, not only for the loss of their Bob, but also for you. There are little hearts and eyes watching you, and arms that need you and your hugs so very much. I beg of you set your eyes upon on them, don't let them mourn the loss of you due your grief. Our time comes soon enough, tomorrow will take care of itself, stay the course, stay the course, peace be with you.
ReplyDeleteMom, I don't know if you are checking your blog since you posted the above. I am so sorry for the hopelessness and loneliness you feel. I know you love us. We (your children) love you so much-as do so many others. Please consider finding a Grief Share group to meet with. You don't have to do or say anything in these meetings and I know they have helped many in our area that have come to them. It can't hurt and it may actually be of some help. I love you. Laura
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