Death can...Death Cannot

Death can seperate our bodies...but it can not seperate our spirits......WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN...it may be in spirit only.....     but I'll settle for that.

We have plans

I'm feeling refreshed after a good nights sleep..hope it will hold out over the weekend.

    Tonight: a painting class with Barb and LL  http://myspiritedart.com/
         Tomorrow: church,  http://www.jwbc.org/
            followed by  lunch at the Red Lobster with Barb, Peggy and Beth http://www.redlobster.com/
           followed by   a Christmas play  at the  Burritt  Museum
                   http://www.burrittonthemountain.com/
           followed by   our sunday school class Christmas dinner  party
  

    Monday:

Me

Bewildered, dumbfounded, puzzled, discontented.....weary ....that is me.

  It's 3 am...is this the reason for the mess that I'm in.?  insomnia certainly contributes to it.....I do feel almost human at times... when rested...but those times are too infrequent for my liking.
And what about Thanksgiving...giving thanks! Why is it so hard to do when I have much to be thankful for?  I was blessed to be able to spend time with my children in Texas... that I've not seen since June...and our life-long friends there.  And my family here...supportive and  loving.... why is that not enough to overcome  the emptiness I feel in my heart...in my life? I know "things could be worse" and I truly want to stop feeling so sorry for myself...being such a drag ...but I can't keep him out...and I don't want to keep him out. I need him...Okay, I'm just gonna lay it all out ... this sorrow  is over whelming at times...and this is one of those times.

On Becoming a Slob

"Main Entry: slob

Part of Speech: noun

Definition: pig

Synonyms: boor, draggletail, hog, ragamuffin, slattern, sloven, swine, tatterdemalion "

I plan  to pick up, hang up and clean up...it may even be today!



Pain begets Pleasure..."I don't think so!"

"If love is a universal language, then the pain it often causes ( some might say it inevitable causes) is equally universal, yet that begs the more important question: Why can sad poems, songs and stories bring  us a strange kind of pleasure? I'm sure the psychologist have an answer to that question, and I'm equally sure that it's a different answer than a poet would give.

Maybe, in the end, the answer isn't so complex.  A burden born by one can often become too heavy to bear. Maybe, in the end, each of us knows that sharing our pain is the only way we can live with the pain."

I find myself needing to share my grief with anyone who will listen...needing to talk about it all the time..(as the posts on this blog bear wittness to)..and I find that others who have recently experienced loss need to do so as well. I continually cause myself to remember his illness and his death...heaping piles of grief upon my heart...why is this? Is it my way of bearing the pain...is it my way of punishing myself for perhaps some unacknowledged guilt I may have because he suffered and died and I did not...he, the one most undeserving of such suffering!  Although I certainly suffered, and continue to do so..he suffered both physical pain and emotional pain and death...I did not
I believe we will be together again some day...but some day is not here yet...and I must try to accept and overcome some things that are killing the old me...Maybe I do need to see a counselor.  I know I need adeepe r faith and trust in God.

Questions

I shamelessly copied the following from another blog
http://heatherpaiges.blogspot.com
I thoroughly enjoyed reading her ...she is an accomplished and interesting writer and this particular post spoke to me in a big way...
I'm trying to cut through the surface of me and consider my motivations.
..it's not much fun.


"Is it wanting nice clothes or is it wanting popularity and acceptance? Is it wanting popularity or is it wanting self-confidence? Is it wanting confidence or is it needing faith?

Is it wanting a car or is it wanting independence and control? Is it wanting independence or is it wanting to depend on something constant?

Is it wanting to be attractive or is it wanting a boy or girlfriend? Is it wanting a bf or gf or is it wanting attention? Is it wanting attention or is it wanting to feel worthy?

Is it working to be good at a skill or is it wanting recognition? Is it wanting recognition or is it building an identity?

Is it really about drugs and alcohol or is it about escape? Is it wanting to escape or is it searching for peace?

Is it wanting stuff or is it wanting satisfaction? Is it wanting satisfaction or is it longing for joy?

Put your faith in God because He is constant. You are worthy in his eyes and if you put your identity in Christ, you will be filled with peace and joy."

the story of my life...so to speak

later today

It's been a very nice morning, compared to the way it started... back around 2 or 3 am...
I went back to sleep around 4 am and slept 'til 7:30. I walked across the yard to Barb's and David's and had some coffee and toast with them. I then worked in the yard  until noon...watering, pulling weeds, planting some mums that I had purchased a couple of days ago...I sat in my swing and had iced coffee...I stayed busy, and out of the house...it's lovely today..don't know what the temp is but I have my doors and windows open and I put my birds out on the back porch table and shaded the top of their cage.
After I  get cleaned up I want to go to Hobby Lobby (for some knitting yarn...Barb and I have started making neck scarves for Christmas)..Pet Smart, for another fish, maybe Lowe's or WalMart for some pine bark to put around my flower beds...not sure if I'll manage to accomplish all of that.

I did not go to aquacise class today...only once in the last two weeks..it's at 8:30 am, downtown Huntsville...and most mornings I just don't want to get up and out in the traffic that early.  It's not that I'm not up...I just want to stay home...lack of motivation I guess ...or perhaps something else...what's that scripture where Paul writes about that.?..1 Corinthians 9:8-10 "For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do."..  I know the things that I should do but I don't do them, and I know the things that I shouldn't do, and do them anyway!!!! That's me alright..and I'm not proud of it..

What color would you like?...anyone?...we are using very large needles..size 32!..so it's a loose weave and we can make one in about 3-4 hours... how would I ever survive without my camera and computer?

Thelma and Louise

Meet my 2 new friends...

My Top Ten list on aging

The dirty, low-down, no good monster has crept up from behind and overtaken me!

Webster has this to say about it:
 Ageing or aging (American and Canadian English) is the accumulation of changes in an organism or object over time.

I have this to say about it:

# 1.

First comes retirement(this is a good thing - especially when you can retire at age 53)

       An end to 13 years of early hour rising followed by a hurried trip to the train station.. followed by a 35 minute ride into  downtown Chicago.. followed by a five block walk through piles of snow, icy sidewalks, freezing wind...followed by dealing with young graduates who have just passed their CPA exams and have little knowledge of, and NO experience in bookkeeping... an end to long hours of work during tax season (Jan. 1 - April 15th.)

  

I retired in 1988. This picture was taken in 1981...before bookkeeping was computerized and receipts, disbursements, sales, purchases, accounts receivable, accounts payable, payroll, journals and general ledgers were entered by hand writing...ughh!


#2.
FREEDOM

Traveling, spending time with grandchildren, going to movies (during the day!),enjoying sex (during the day!),going out for breakfast at 10 am...These are all good things!     

sorry....no pictures available of "having sex during the day"....

# 3.

Moving back to Texas! 1988 a good thing...

                   "Pictures are worth a thousand words."

# 3.
1988

  Acquiring new furniture and purchasing what, at the time, you thought would be your last home. Again, these are good things:

 Plano, Texas

# 4.
Downsizing 1999 
  really not such a bad thing...we were still able to enjoy a nice home...and without so much upkeep and expense...

it really does snow in the Dallas area

great-grandkids enjoying my bath tub...

PaPa Peete enjoying another great-grandchild...

# 5.
gray hair, wrinkles and flab... ughhh  the noticeable changes...

1989...age 59 and 54

1999   age 69 ad 64

2009...age 79 and 74...April 24, Queen Wilhelmina Lodge, Mena, Ar...our 56th.  wedding anniversary (and our last one together)

the worst is yet to come.................

# 6.
Aches, pains and other physical maladies

   

Arthritis, gall bladder removal, minor depression, weight gain...all me....enlarged prostate,(that would be him, of course :)high blood pressure, arrhythmia, nuclear stress tests, cataract removal, colonoscopies, ...are we having fun yet? has it really been a month since we had sex !!!

# 7.

Losing a good friend

with Bill and Beth Shipman, Mena Ar. 1956

     

New Years Eve with Bill and Beth...1993

# 8

Saying goodby to mother 1915

 1931

1956

.

mother, dad, me and my siblings..each of us at around the age of 30 yrs

Mom, Bob and our children 1965

Mom and Barb...1992...a few months before she died in '93 from emphysema

# 9.
Cancer

 first, our beautiful Laura... I believe it was 1998..she is a cancer survivor...praise the Lord...

and my beloved husband 2009.2010

# 10.
Losing Bob

Don't Say Anything, Author Unknown

Don't tell me "things happen for a reason."

Don't tell me to "keep busy" and "move on."

Don't tell me that you "know how I feel."

Don't tell me that it was "too hard" for YOU to talk to ME about the death of MY husband.

Don't tell me that YOU feel "uncomfortable"looking at his picture or calling me on his birthday.

Don't SAY anything to try to make me feel better.

Hug me.

Listen to me.

Sit quietly with me.

Let me cry.

Smile when you look at his picture.

Help me plant a tree in his memory.

Allow me to sleep wrapped in his clothing.

Light a candle.

Release a balloon.

Walk with me on my journey.

Remember him forever.

stop the world...I wanta get off

okay....I've had enough...'woke up this morning resolving to stop the whinning...no more feeling sorry for myself...

lets see how long that lasts !

Happy Birthday to me...from Laura

Ummmm. strawberries, bananas, apples, pineapple, grapes...and  (drum roll please!)  chocolate....Thank you Laura...they're delicious

All About Me (I'm so vain!)

Oh My ... what have I done...
this is only about half  of what I cut....!!!!

Are you ready ????

Well, that didn't turn out as bad as I thought it would...

How many of ya'll can take pictures and talk on the phone at the same time? My black eye is almost completely gone..

The back had grown down below my collar...I couldn't see what I was doing ...just cut by feel...There's a few gaps and choppy spots but I know who can fix that  :)

Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?

It's Bill's fault that this apartment is an absolute mess

It's Bill's fault that I sit here with hair that needs washing

It's Bill's fault that I'm up at 2am instead of getting the sleep I need

It's his fault that I stumble around empty packing boxes stacked up all over the apt.

It's his fault that the laundry (washed, dried and folded ) sits in the basket beside my  desk  instead of being put away where it belongs..

It's his fault that I have cereal for lunch ...  milk and crackers for supper.. instead of making the effort to go to the grocery store

 It's  MUST be his fault

UH OH

Yesterday I was careless and it resulted in this.


Not to worry children...no cuts, no broken bones...just embarrassed to be out in public today...and we're off to have Bob's CT scan...so guess I'll use my sunglasses :)

Avocados

Has anyone else ever tried to grow an avocado bush (tree) from a seed? I seem to remember doing it years ago...first roots, then a green sprout trying to get out at the top...or maybe that was a sweet potato :) we'll see.

It's All About Me, Me, Me

Top Ten Things I'd like to do.
1. Have an all day shopping spree in Hobby Lobby or Super Target with at least one timeout at Starbucks.
2. Spend hours on my computer without feeling guilty.
3. Know what I'm going to prepare for supper without having to think about it.
4. Visit the Movie Trading Company and buy all the DVD's I'd like.
5. Have a manicure and a pedicure at least once a month.
6. Be able to go to Canton's First Monday and walk instead of ride in a motorized chair.
7. Go back in time (just for a week) to when I first met Bob. (WOW)
8. Eat what I'd like without gaining weight.
9. See my mother again.
10 View what's at the end of the rainbow.