To Where You Are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen?

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday

Still

The sun is not shining

the flowers are not blooming

the weather is not cooperating

Ten months and I still think of nothing else

yet, here I am...

  in all honesty I'm here often...just reluctant to write...

.... what I want to write is not good..is not good for my children to hear....many nights what I want to say is  "Oh how I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up".

Barbara tries so hard ..gives so much of herself to help me through this...while dealing with her own grief. What would I ever do without her..she works four, twelve-hour days...at  least..plus another half day every-other Saturday...and yet in the midst of running her own business she deals with many "life issues" with her friends and employees...because her employees are her friends ....she loves those six  girls..Christina, Tanya, Judy, Emily, Maggie and, of course, her own Laura Leigh

In addition to puting up with me, involving herself so much with her friends, she also has her own two children and four grandchilden to whom she gives much of herself.  She has such a BIG, open, wise and giving heart and spirit. She sees to it that I eat, she spends some amount of time  with me every day.., no matter how small..she will sit and knit while watching  movies with me at night..because I watch many movies..  she  prefers comedy,love stories, primarily "feel good" movies, while I, on the other hand prefer drama, action,  and love stories....she will watch whatever I want...

  I'm aware of how  blessed I am with her, and others,...her friends have become my friends...yet still all I can think about  and would want to write about is my loss, my loneliness, my grief. There are hours in  most   days  when I'm busy and preocupied with other things...but also hours in every day and night when I'm just deeply involved with him...and the strangest thing! It has occured a few times that when I'm absorbed on the computer   or in watching  a movie..and I get up to go to bed or to the living room or to the kitchen to do something else, for a few seconds I think to myself.."I've got to be quiet so as to not wake him."..my memory has clouded for just a brief few seconds and I forget that he's not here....when that moment passes and my mind returns to the present  it's like a knife in my heart .

Hence, if I were to return to posting on this blog here is what I'd say:

I was just happily breezing  along ..  a past that was blessed, a present that was content and thankful and  looking foward to a few more good years together...then in 10 months time (June 4, 09 - April '10)  my dear husband went

 from this

to this...

April 10, 2010

                                         

after recieving  radiation treatments daily, for 7 weeks,  followed by respirator failure, twice,  he spent  two weeks in ICU at Baylor...then  we were  here at Kindred Hospital, Dallas the entire month of September 2009 for trach weening and rehab.

 

After going home he tried so hard to regain some strength...

he seemed to be doing better and  tests showed no cancer . I was thrilled, he was skeptical...because he was so sick and weak...radiation had done much damage..no salavia glands, unable to swallow since the second week of radiation...so feeding tube (turned out to be for the rest of his life),,lost 30 lbs.

Nov. 14, 2009    look at that sweet smile...after all he had endured...

he tried to walk some every day....I followed him with his wheel chair...just in case...

so we followed through with our plans to move to Alabama, where our cabin was being build..we left Dallas on Dec. 20th...Barbara, and the boys greet us at the Huntsville airport..

Dec. 31st...  Eddie, Herk, Laura  and some of the grandkids drove from Dallas,bringing our furniture, etc.,

 He would spent most of the day  in Barbs kitchen watching our cabin being built.....  Until he could no longer sit up         .Dec 22, 2009

Jan. 19, 2010..on her backporch

His condition worsened...he began having seizure-like episodes ... he had four doctors...Oncologist, Neurologist, ENT (Otolaryngologis), and a geriatric GP...we ran him around from place to place in an attempt to make sure we covered all the bases...do everything possible to help him...we were so afraid that we would miss something. He suffered bruising to his brain after a fall. In addition we had Home Health visits 2 - 3 times a week...and then later, Hospice. .

He was hospitalized  3 times in Feb. and March...pneumonia.....and then  for nearly 3 weeks, he lay unable to hear, unable to speak,  ...the radiation continued to do it's damage...  his last three weeks of life ...until April 13th.... he was mostly unable to move (his arm would raise and jerk involuntarily)...his eyes were rarely open.. For the most part, he was off into another place...preparing for death.

 I'm so thankful for Hospice and that we had him at home...that I was able to care for him..that my girls were here to help me, .that I was able to be beside him, holding him , telling him that I loved him... as he left this world....my heart yearns for the day we are together again

                                                    March 21    ....Laura and Laura Leigh

                                                              March 28     Barbara

April 10   Nicki

  



I Loved You First

When I saw the title of this poem I immediately thought of my grandson , Bobby, and the little "game" he plays...whenever I say "I love you", he replies, "I love you more", to which I reply, "I love you more-er, to which he responds, I love you more-er-est...and on and on...Here's the sweet little guy helping his Meme with an earring last week.

I like this poem...I wish that I could write poetry...I love the way it so clearly expresses some one's feelings..

Monna Innominata [I loved you first]

by Christina Rossetti 

 I loved you first: but afterwards your love,

Out soaring mine, sang such a loftier song

As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove.

Which owes the other most? My love was long,

And yours one moment seemed to wax more strong;

I loved and guessed at you, you contrued me

And loved me for what might or might not be—

Nay, weights and measures do us both a wrong.

For verily love knows not 'mine' or 'thine';

With separate 'I' and 'thou' free love has done,

For one is both and both are one in love:

Rich love knows nought of 'thine that is not mine';

Both have the strength and both the length thereof,

Both of us, of the love which makes us one.

True Love

True love. Is it normal

is it serious, is it practical?

What does the world get from two people

who exist in a world of their own?

Placed on the same pedestal for no good reason,

drawn randomly from millions but convinced

it had to happen this way - in reward for what?

For nothing.

The light descends from nowhere.

Why on these two and not on others?

Doesn't this outrage justice? Yes it does

Doesn't it disrupt our painstakingly erected principles,

and cast the moral from the peak? Yes on both accounts.

Look at the happy couple.

Couldn't they at least try to hide it,

fake a little depression for their friends' sake?

Listen to them laughing - its an insult.

The language they use - deceptively clear.

And their little celebrations, rituals,

the elaborate mutual routines -

it's obviously a plot behind the human race's back!

It's hard even to guess how far things might go

if people start to follow their example.

What could religion and poetry count on?

What would be remembered? What renounced?

Who'd want to stay within bounds?

True love. Is it really necessary?

Tact and common sense tell us to pass over it in silence,

like a scandal in Life's highest circles.

Perfectly good children are born without its help.

It couldn't populate the planet in a million years,

it comes along so rarely.

Let the people who never find true love

keep saying that there's no such thing.

Their faith will make it easier for them to live and die.

Wislawa Szymborska

Walk With Me

If you have learned to walk

A little more sure-footedly than I,

Be patient with my stumbling then

And know that only as I do my best and try

May I attain the goal

For which we both are striving.

If,  through experience, your soul

Has gained heights which I

As yet in dim-lit vision see,

Hold out your hand and point the way,

Lest from its straightness I should stray,

And walk a mile with me.

 The author is unknown.

I'm everything I am because you loved me......

For all those times you stood by me

For all the truth that you made me see

For all the joy you brought to my life

For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true

For all the love I found in you

I'll be forever thankful baby

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

You saw the best there was in me

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'coz you believed

I'm everything I am Because you loved me

 

You stood by me and I stood tall

I had your love I had it all

I'm grateful for each day you gave me

Maybe I don't know that much

But I know this much is true

I was blessed because I was loved by you

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby

Memories

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine

Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories,

Sweet memories
Of holding hands and red bouquets
And twilight trimmed in purple haze
And laughing eyes and simple ways
And quiet nights and gentle days with you

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine,
Memories, memories, sweet memories

things to do at 3 am

I watch the videos that I have made of him..."Sweet Memories"..."the first time ever I saw your face"...and remember...

how "smitten" I was the first time ever I saw his face...

the love he had for his family and how proud he was of his children...

how much time he spent with them...playing, instructing, emphasing how important it is to be honest..to treat others fairly, to give of yourself, to be a "good sport", to respect your elders, to say "ma"am and sir", that it was okay for boys to cry,  to never forget your mothers birthday,

I remember how, in  the early years  of our marriage,  he persevered at a job that he did not like...that kept him away from home, that paid very little..he stayed year after year for seven years, because he was responsible and would not take chances with the well fare of his family....but years later he would talk about that period in our life and how much he learned from it...

his love for this country...how much he enjoyed the opportunity he had to travel and see it...

his love for dogs, the University of Texas, camping with his boys, the pride he had in his home, the way he would wear the same 'ol sweatshirts for years, his respect for George Bush (both of them)...

how much respect and support he gave me...

I remember his tenderness and his toughness...

   and I cry...

It recently occured to me that not only did I lose my husband, my children lost their father...a father they all adored. I've been so absorbed in my own grief  that I've not considered theirs...
I must remember that.
....this sad, little face lost his PaPa Peete

                

The Power Of His Love

The power of His love brings me through...every time.

"We are each given a measure of faith and this measure differs from person to person.It seems to differ in type and quantity. This scriptural fact is borne out in the following verses: :

"For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think [of himself] more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith. For as we have many members in one body, and all members have not the same office: So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another. Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, [let us prophesy] according to the proportion of faith; Or ministry, [let us wait] on [our] ministering: or he that teacheth, on teaching; Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, [let him do it] with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness."(Romans 12:3-8)

These sweet pictures make me smile...and cry at the same time...

Ever Present Memories

Shadow of a memory


He comes to you when you want him
A whisper, a touch, a cold breeze...
He is not light nor dark, life nor death
A shadow of time, a memory..

His romance is unlike any other
A dream of a love, a fantasy...
His kiss is sweet, tender, soft, ever lasting
Lips not of flesh or bone, but of taste...

His eyes are future tellers, distance yet to come
Brightness behind darkness, Eternity...
You long for him, want his presence
the shadow of a memory...

You ask for him to come, to be close
You stand close to kiss him, lips of wine
You want his romance, that of fantasy
you hear his whisper, a sound of nothing
the shadow of a memeory...

He is not that of a man nor beast
but that of a shadow of a memory...

Joey Beighley

Past, Present and Future...True Story

Part 1:The Meeting

It was the summer of 1951...he was twentyone...she was sixteen...

... he had finished basic training, was home on a two week leave before  being "deployed" to Germany ..it was the summer between her sophomore and junior high school years.

They had lived less than 10 miles apart most of their lives, each in a small town... but never  knew each other.  He was a "country boy" from the farm,  she a "town girl" ..

Charlene knew Bobs' sister, Margaret, as they both worked at the local Ben Franklins five and dime store...Margaret set them up on a blind date...  it was love at first sight...true enough to last a lifetime.

Part 2: The Wedding

April 24, 1953...in January he had returned from his service to Uncle Sam ...three months later they were married at a small Episcopal church in Covington with a few  family and friends in attendance..it was a very nice, small service arranged primarily by his beloved Aunt Laura....it had rained all day...but they didn't care. They spent the first night in Memphis at his aunts house as she had remained in Covington for the evening.  The next morning they drove to New Orleans for a three day honeymoon. She had to go the the principal's office to obtain an "excused absence" before being allowed back in school.



Part 3: The Life

Fiftysix years and counting...five children, nine grandchildren and nine great-grandchildren...

In some ways a life like many others ...both hardships and ease, joys and sorrors, sickness and health, hard work and pleasures....a life greatly blessed by God.

In other ways a life unlike others ...a growing love for each other, children who are rich with big hearts, good character and a respect for what is right.... blessed with life lived long enough to know and love their grandchildren as well as their great-grandchildren...

Part 4: The Future

...Bob's quality of life has been stolen by his fight to survive cancer and replaced with uncertainty as to the future..I have experience his fortitude, courage and selfcontrol on a deeper level than ever before. In a real sense I now know how lost I would be without him...We both have become more deeply aware of our faith and trust in a loving God who is sustaining us during this time.

My Man

Oh, my man, I love him so
He'll never know

All my life is just despair
But I don't care

when he takes me in his arms
The world is bright all right.

What's the difference if I say
I'll go away
When I know I'll come back on my knees someday



For whatever my man is
I am his
forever more

This is What I Believe

I chose to delete my post in response to an anonymous comment. After contemplating on the George Bernard Shaw quote I realized that it did not express my belief in regard to the best way to use this life that God has given me. I agree that we should strive to live life to the fullest...however, it's we fill our life that is most important... What Christianity has taught me, what meditating on the life of Christ has taught me, what the actual results of loving others has taught me is .. serving others reaps tremendous rewards...rewards of contentment, fulfillment, peace and returned love. And when Christ enters a heart it's effortless.

"The harder I work, the more I love"...I do not understand this statement..hard work can and does sometimes results in things this world views as "success"..ie. financial security, ego fulfillment, etc...and this is not a bad thing...but unless the "work" is directed toward serving others it does not result in love...

loving begets love.
This is what I believe.

However, I certainly appreciated the last part of the comment:
"No matter the outcome, the previous days leading to life's decision, were mighty ones. Every one. No matter how mundane to the rest of the world, they were infinitely special to you - and all who know and love him - and that is what matters most."

how

my life, my love

From the moment I saw you, I wanted to meet you,



From the moment I met you, I wanted to know you,



From the moment I knew you, I was in love with you,



From the moment I loved you, I wanted to share my life with you,



And from that moment to this moment, and for all the moments to come, I will love you with all my heart.

The Real Thing.... Lisa Atkins Photography