Can you speak a little louder? Won't you please rescue me from those identity thieves... the seductive voices that whisper I no longer exist?...those insistent voices that shout I no longer want an identity beyond what I had with him.
"When you lose the path that lights your way, you feel that you have died."
I HAVE DIED.. joy, contentment, pleasure, giving and receiving love, the warmth of companionship, relationship that grew from teenage adoration into mature bonding of body, heart and soul. ...has died...only the memories remain.. "memories are a way of holding on to the things you don't want to lose or forget"... they are also who you are....or, in my case, who I was...I no longer exist.
Well meaning friends and professional counselors alike advise: "allow yourself to feel your pain and cry out your loss and anguish...and as you let it go, you will find the strength and courage to put your life in perspective and move on." In my case, move on to what? I'm 76 years old...I've had it all...God has blessed us beyond measure..a large and devoted family, enough security to enjoy the necessities of life and then some, friends who last a lifetime and truly care, and above all, each other. All I want is to find a way to survive this anguish ... to make it through whatever time is left without being an emotional burden to those who love me, to be useful instead of so needy.
And in reality ..how can you be expected to let go of your entire life, or let go of the one who shared each day of it.....how can you let it go? He existed... He was...He is...He's just not with me..and though it pains me beyound measure, I will not let him go.... He is mine and I am his...always and forever...in this life and the next.
"You slowly took your final breath, t'was me, my dear, who died a death."
Psalm 28:1-2
"To you, O Lord, I call; my rock, be not deaf to me, lest, if you be silent to me,I become like those who go down to the pit. Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when I cry to you for help,when I lift up my hands toward your most holy sanctuary."
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Dying Christian To His Soul
Vital spark of heav'nly flame,
Quit, oh, quit, this mortal frame!
Trembling, hoping, ling'ring, flying,
Oh, the pain, the bliss of dying!
Cease, fond Nature, cease thy strife,
And let me languish into life!
Hark! they whisper; Angels say,
Sister Spirit, come away.
What is this absorbs me quite,
Steals my senses, shuts my sight,
Drowns my spirits, draws my breath?
Tell me, my Soul! can this be Death?
The world recedes; it disappears;
Heav'n opens on my eyes; my ears
With sounds seraphic ring:
Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly!
O Grave! where is thy Victory?
O Death! where is thy Sting?
Alexander Pope
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Snow
been snowing here for the last 7 - 8 hrs....tapering off but forecast is for snow continuing through tomorrow...appx. 12 " total...and freezing weather most of the week...so it'll be around for a while.
It's 4:30 am...'been up all night...
pictures tomorrow...if I can make it over to Barb's house..my car is pretty much covered and snow banks on the side....not keen on climbing up her back stairs...(my dang computer no longer recognizes my camera settings, installation disc got smashed so until I work all that out I have to download on her puter...ugh)
It's 4:30 am...'been up all night...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Wallowing
God gives us so many promises in the Bible..really neat promises...
"Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble." Psalm 46:1
" Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4: 6 & 7
"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. "Matthew 5:4
" (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he swore unto them." Deuteronomy 4:31
I have discovered much about myself since Bob died....
quote from another blog: "I need a faith booster shot!"
My faith has been tested like never before...I'm pretty sure I failed the test because for most of the past eight months I have not felt peace, comfort, help, rest...
My mind tells me that we cannot accept parts of the Bible as truth but doubt other parts...I trust in His words that tell us:
"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:1-3
“And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt. And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever.” Daniel 12.2-3.
"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).
How can this trust and acceptance of life after death be a sound belief while doubt of His other promises of peace, comfort, rest, etc...remain in the heart?
I'm sure I'm missing something here...but I'm also sure that God knows my heart and loves me anyway...
quote from another blog:
"Grieving is okay but you shouldn't wallow in it."
I've been wallowing for eight months...This grieving is no joke but I can't turn it off. How long will this be going on?
"Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble." Psalm 46:1
" Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4: 6 & 7
"Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. "Matthew 5:4
" (For the LORD thy God is a merciful God;) he will not forsake thee, neither destroy thee, nor forget the covenant of thy fathers which he swore unto them." Deuteronomy 4:31
I have discovered much about myself since Bob died....
quote from another blog: "I need a faith booster shot!"
My faith has been tested like never before...I'm pretty sure I failed the test because for most of the past eight months I have not felt peace, comfort, help, rest...
My mind tells me that we cannot accept parts of the Bible as truth but doubt other parts...I trust in His words that tell us:
"Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also." John 14:1-3
“And many of those who sleep in the dust of the earth will awake, some to everlasting life and some to shame and everlasting contempt. And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever.” Daniel 12.2-3.
"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord" (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).
How can this trust and acceptance of life after death be a sound belief while doubt of His other promises of peace, comfort, rest, etc...remain in the heart?
I'm sure I'm missing something here...but I'm also sure that God knows my heart and loves me anyway...
quote from another blog:
"Grieving is okay but you shouldn't wallow in it."
I've been wallowing for eight months...This grieving is no joke but I can't turn it off. How long will this be going on?
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Into The Arms of God
A friend sent me this reading by Max Lucado... Thank you Beverly.
It is very comforting as it helps reinforce teaching from the Bible that I've embraced most of my life. I believe that no one can TRULY say, without a shred of doubt, "this is how it will be"...how can we possibly know without a doubt? My former pastor would often say to us "God is God and we are not!". There is no way that any mortal can know the mind of God...no way.
"God’s thoughts and ways are as far above our human abilities as the heavens are above the earth (Isa. 55:8–9)."
But the Holy Bible, Gods Word is here for us, it has survived for generations for a reason...for a purpose. Some believe that Christians accept it only because it offers comfort in the belief that there is more for us beyond this life...that it provides the means to bear the sorrow and grief that comes to us when we lose our loved ones. I've heard even many Christians say things like "how lost and bereaved the unbelievers are without hope". I can tell you one thing for certain; having this faith, this belief, this acceptance does not spare the believer the sorrow and grief that can consume and smother you at those times. ...the words shared below by Max Lucado give comfort, strengthens faith, and reinforces hope. God bless.
INTO THE WARM ARMS OF GOD
"What about my loved ones who have died? Where are they now? In the time between our death and Christ’s return, what happens?
Scripture is surprisingly quiet about this phase of our lives. When speaking about the period between the death of the body and the resurrection of the body, the Bible doesn’t shout; it just whispers. But at the confluence of these whispers, a firm voice is heard. This authoritative voice assures us that, at death, the Christian immediately enters into the presence of God and enjoys conscious fellowship with the Father and with those who have gone before.
Isn’t this the promise that Jesus gave the thief on the cross? Earlier the thief had rebuked Jesus. Now he repents and asks for mercy. “Remember me when you come into your kingdom” (Luke 23:42). Likely, the thief is praying that he be remembered in some distant time in the future when the kingdom comes. He didn’t expect an immediate answer. But he received one: “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise” (v. 43). The primary message of this passage is God’s unlimited and surprising grace. But a secondary message is the immediate translation of the saved into the presence of God. The soul of the believer journeys home, while the body of the believer awaits the resurrection.
Some don’t agree with this thought. They propose an intermediate period of purgation, a “holding tank” in which we are punished for our sins.This “purgatory” is the place where, for an undetermined length of time, we receive what our sins deserve so that we can rightly receive what God has prepared.
But two things trouble me about this teaching. For one, none of us can endure what our sins deserve. For another, Jesus already has. The Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death, not purgatory (see Rom. 6:23). The Bible also teaches that Jesus became our purgatory and took our punishment: “When he had brought about the purgation of sins, he took his seat at the right hand of Majesty on high” (Heb. 1:3 neb). There is no purgatory because purgatory occurred at Calvary.
Others feel that while the body is buried, the soul is asleep. They come by their conviction honestly enough. Seven different times in two different epistles, Paul uses the term sleep to refer to death (see 1 Cor. 11:30; 15:6, 18, 20; 1 Thess. 4:13–15). One could certainly deduce that the time spent between death and the return of Christ is spent sleeping. (And, if such is the case, who would complain? We could certainly use the rest!)
But there is one problem. The Bible refers to some who have already died, and they are anything but asleep. Their bodies are sleeping, but their souls are wide awake. Revelation 6:9–11 refers to the souls of martyrs who cry out for justice on the earth. Matthew 17:3 speaks of Moses and Elijah, who appeared on the Mount of Transfiguration with Jesus. Even Samuel, who came back from the grave, was described wearing a robe and having the appearance of a god (1 Sam. 28:13–14). And what about the cloud of witnesses who surround us (Heb. 12:1)? Couldn’t these be the heroes of our faith and the loved ones of our lives who have gone before?
I think so. When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God. We don’t like to say good-bye to those whom we love. It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here. They have no pain there. They struggled here. They have no struggles there. You and I might wonder why God took them home. But they don’t. They understand. They are, at this very moment, at peace in the presence of God."
by Max Lucado
It is very comforting as it helps reinforce teaching from the Bible that I've embraced most of my life. I believe that no one can TRULY say, without a shred of doubt, "this is how it will be"...how can we possibly know without a doubt? My former pastor would often say to us "God is God and we are not!". There is no way that any mortal can know the mind of God...no way.
"God’s thoughts and ways are as far above our human abilities as the heavens are above the earth (Isa. 55:8–9)."
But the Holy Bible, Gods Word is here for us, it has survived for generations for a reason...for a purpose. Some believe that Christians accept it only because it offers comfort in the belief that there is more for us beyond this life...that it provides the means to bear the sorrow and grief that comes to us when we lose our loved ones. I've heard even many Christians say things like "how lost and bereaved the unbelievers are without hope". I can tell you one thing for certain; having this faith, this belief, this acceptance does not spare the believer the sorrow and grief that can consume and smother you at those times. ...the words shared below by Max Lucado give comfort, strengthens faith, and reinforces hope. God bless.
INTO THE WARM ARMS OF GOD
"What about my loved ones who have died? Where are they now? In the time between our death and Christ’s return, what happens?
Scripture is surprisingly quiet about this phase of our lives. When speaking about the period between the death of the body and the resurrection of the body, the Bible doesn’t shout; it just whispers. But at the confluence of these whispers, a firm voice is heard. This authoritative voice assures us that, at death, the Christian immediately enters into the presence of God and enjoys conscious fellowship with the Father and with those who have gone before.
Isn’t this the promise that Jesus gave the thief on the cross? Earlier the thief had rebuked Jesus. Now he repents and asks for mercy. “Remember me when you come into your kingdom” (Luke 23:42). Likely, the thief is praying that he be remembered in some distant time in the future when the kingdom comes. He didn’t expect an immediate answer. But he received one: “I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise” (v. 43). The primary message of this passage is God’s unlimited and surprising grace. But a secondary message is the immediate translation of the saved into the presence of God. The soul of the believer journeys home, while the body of the believer awaits the resurrection.
Some don’t agree with this thought. They propose an intermediate period of purgation, a “holding tank” in which we are punished for our sins.This “purgatory” is the place where, for an undetermined length of time, we receive what our sins deserve so that we can rightly receive what God has prepared.
But two things trouble me about this teaching. For one, none of us can endure what our sins deserve. For another, Jesus already has. The Bible teaches that the wages of sin is death, not purgatory (see Rom. 6:23). The Bible also teaches that Jesus became our purgatory and took our punishment: “When he had brought about the purgation of sins, he took his seat at the right hand of Majesty on high” (Heb. 1:3 neb). There is no purgatory because purgatory occurred at Calvary.
Others feel that while the body is buried, the soul is asleep. They come by their conviction honestly enough. Seven different times in two different epistles, Paul uses the term sleep to refer to death (see 1 Cor. 11:30; 15:6, 18, 20; 1 Thess. 4:13–15). One could certainly deduce that the time spent between death and the return of Christ is spent sleeping. (And, if such is the case, who would complain? We could certainly use the rest!)
But there is one problem. The Bible refers to some who have already died, and they are anything but asleep. Their bodies are sleeping, but their souls are wide awake. Revelation 6:9–11 refers to the souls of martyrs who cry out for justice on the earth. Matthew 17:3 speaks of Moses and Elijah, who appeared on the Mount of Transfiguration with Jesus. Even Samuel, who came back from the grave, was described wearing a robe and having the appearance of a god (1 Sam. 28:13–14). And what about the cloud of witnesses who surround us (Heb. 12:1)? Couldn’t these be the heroes of our faith and the loved ones of our lives who have gone before?
I think so. When it is cold on earth, we can take comfort in knowing that our loved ones are in the warm arms of God. We don’t like to say good-bye to those whom we love. It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here. They have no pain there. They struggled here. They have no struggles there. You and I might wonder why God took them home. But they don’t. They understand. They are, at this very moment, at peace in the presence of God."
by Max Lucado
Saturday, January 1, 2011
April 10, 1952
Following is the last letter I received from Bob while he was in Korea in 1951-52. It is # 45..the first one was dated June 5, 1951...'don't know if there were more and I lost them or if we just stopped writing. He came home 7 months after this ...in early January, 1953....we were married 3 months later.
"Hi Hillbilly,
Have you thrown your shoes away for the summer yet? I put mine in storage the last of May but had to unpack them the first day of April because it snowed.
What do you know...I finagled a three day pass two weeks ago and did I have a great time."
(It always bugged me when he would talk about having a good time! How could he possibly have a good time without me?)
"Sgt. Rivera and I traveled to Bremerhaven in his auto, a distance of approximately 700 miles. We passed through a number of large cities; Frankfort, Kassel, Hanover, Bremen, Bremerhaven, Wurzburg..not to mention the small ones. We ran out of gas in the British zone and pulled a midnight requisition on an English Petroleum Detachment. This was done with the aid of a Canadian officer. In writing, it doesn't sound humorous, but you should have been there. I've never felt so devilish in all my life. We drove down and rode the train back. We must have slept in every railroad station in the American and British Zone of Germany.
So you like the '52 Ford Victoria?
back to his letter:
"I think I'd better alter this letter a bit and get to the point. Know something, Kitten, I'm in a predicament. I'm not sure I know exactly how to tell you, or even how to begin. The whole affair started last year in the month of May. I fell madly, no that isn't the word..., I glided into love with the sweetest personality I've ever known. Since then my existence has been rather bare as I only had the pleasure of being with her for eleven days. I say "glided into love" because that's exactly how it was. So smooth, nice and comfortable. I get bored with myself because I can't tell you exactly how I feel toward you. The English language doesn't include a word, or words, to express my emotions. I could say, I love you, you're wonderful, you're beautiful, etc...and then what have I accomplished? Nothing. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. The very words I've tried to use effectively only blight the sincerity of my affections. Why? Because they're only transcripts of someone else. I hope you are following me as I'm getting ahead of myself trying to explain. To make a long story short, when I say "I love you", you can be sure that it goes much deeper than that.
And by the way, no one has written me about you going out every night and that's not the reason that prevented me from writing. I'm neither so egotistical or conceited as to think you aren't dating other fellows. I want you to enjoy yourself. And another thing, I don't have people to spy on my girlfriend. I wouldn't love you if I didn't trust and respect you."
Goodnight Kitten,
I love you, deeply, passionately, and forever
Bob
this excerpt from his previous letter dated March 5th...
"Kitten, take some good advice. Have as much fun as possible while you're in high school. Date every available, decent male that you can because you'll miss those good times after you're out of school. Believe it or not, I didn't date anyone while I was in high school. During the last 4 years I've tried to make up for all the time I lost though,. I want you to be sure in your own mind that you're ready to settle down before I get back. I hope that I'm not taking too much for granted in talking to you this way."
"Hi Hillbilly,
Have you thrown your shoes away for the summer yet? I put mine in storage the last of May but had to unpack them the first day of April because it snowed.
What do you know...I finagled a three day pass two weeks ago and did I have a great time."
(It always bugged me when he would talk about having a good time! How could he possibly have a good time without me?)
"Sgt. Rivera and I traveled to Bremerhaven in his auto, a distance of approximately 700 miles. We passed through a number of large cities; Frankfort, Kassel, Hanover, Bremen, Bremerhaven, Wurzburg..not to mention the small ones. We ran out of gas in the British zone and pulled a midnight requisition on an English Petroleum Detachment. This was done with the aid of a Canadian officer. In writing, it doesn't sound humorous, but you should have been there. I've never felt so devilish in all my life. We drove down and rode the train back. We must have slept in every railroad station in the American and British Zone of Germany.
So you like the '52 Ford Victoria?
Have you seen the new Buick Special? I haven't but rumors have it that they are beautiful.
To be truthful all the new model autos are out of this world. I'll probably have to compromise and get a fast horse and buggy. I'd be perfectly content with walking if you'd walk with me. How does that old song go? "My old jalopy's a Cadillac when you go riding with me." Considering all the angles though, I'd better buy an auto, just think of the shoe leather I'd wear out, walking from home to 520 W. Liberty and back."
(this is the first auto we purchased after we were married: a 1951 Dodge:)
This is the first NEW auto we purchased..I think that it was a Ford Fairlane...a classy car driven by a very classy guy..
back to his letter:
"I think I'd better alter this letter a bit and get to the point. Know something, Kitten, I'm in a predicament. I'm not sure I know exactly how to tell you, or even how to begin. The whole affair started last year in the month of May. I fell madly, no that isn't the word..., I glided into love with the sweetest personality I've ever known. Since then my existence has been rather bare as I only had the pleasure of being with her for eleven days. I say "glided into love" because that's exactly how it was. So smooth, nice and comfortable. I get bored with myself because I can't tell you exactly how I feel toward you. The English language doesn't include a word, or words, to express my emotions. I could say, I love you, you're wonderful, you're beautiful, etc...and then what have I accomplished? Nothing. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. The very words I've tried to use effectively only blight the sincerity of my affections. Why? Because they're only transcripts of someone else. I hope you are following me as I'm getting ahead of myself trying to explain. To make a long story short, when I say "I love you", you can be sure that it goes much deeper than that.
And by the way, no one has written me about you going out every night and that's not the reason that prevented me from writing. I'm neither so egotistical or conceited as to think you aren't dating other fellows. I want you to enjoy yourself. And another thing, I don't have people to spy on my girlfriend. I wouldn't love you if I didn't trust and respect you."
Goodnight Kitten,
I love you, deeply, passionately, and forever
Bob
this excerpt from his previous letter dated March 5th...
"Kitten, take some good advice. Have as much fun as possible while you're in high school. Date every available, decent male that you can because you'll miss those good times after you're out of school. Believe it or not, I didn't date anyone while I was in high school. During the last 4 years I've tried to make up for all the time I lost though,. I want you to be sure in your own mind that you're ready to settle down before I get back. I hope that I'm not taking too much for granted in talking to you this way."
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