He seems to be drifting inside himself...so unaware of everything...I scream silent screams...I've had no existence without him...I don't know how to do this....I sit beside him, lay beside him, touch his body, caress him, tend to him, ...but only ocassionally do I know that he is there...when he squeezes my hand in response ....I want more than his body to care for....I miss his voice...He's so compliant now...I miss his stubborness..
I want him back..........
oh damn it! That was all about ME...what about him...I dare not consider too deeply how he must feel...no control. on his life...nothing to break the endless days and nights...is it AM or PM he asks....is this Friday?....I hear his heavy breathing through the monitor as I sit here ...my heart breaks and many tears fall but offer no comfort....
How can everything else go on as usual?...cabins are being built, football games are being played...blogs are being written....meaningless birthdays come and go...it all seems so unimportant now..... His eyes are cloudy and oft times a look of confusion on his face...He speaks only when he needs water to try and clean his mouth, or when he needs the bathroom, or when he needs cover...too weak to reach down and cover himself..yet strong enough yesterday to get into his wheelchair and be taken outside for a few minuets...just a few brief minuets of resisting his illness....
I don't want to live in that cabin alone...it is HIS cabin...
I read of others loss of their young children and oh, how that must shatter their life and will always be a part of it....and still others say, "Well, he is 80 years old, he's had a full life...how blessed he was...we don't live forever"...All of that is true but I wonder if those who think that way have ever loved someone for 60 years...had them be a part of themself...and then expect to go on living without that part...it's such an empty, hopeless feeling.
I speak as tho he were already gone...in a way he is...maybe this is part of letting go...I WILL NEVER LET GO...
"The body from spirit doth slowly unwind,
until we are pure spirit in the end."
'Sorry children, I know these words are painful...'don't know why I feel compelled to write them...I realize how difficult this is for you, especially you who are not able to be here with us.
This is not Gods doing...good things are from God...you five children are from God, our love for each other is from God...this is from Satan...this is from evil...there is much good in this world but there is also much evil...our lives are touched by both.
Mom, How hard for you to see dad like this. I hear your heart and I ache for you. Just know that Dad wants the "cabin" for you as much as he does for himself. He takes comfort in knowing you are right there, so close to Barbara and her family.
ReplyDeleteThe unfathomable thing about life is that, if we live long enough, we die. I especially pray, that God will give you the peace that He speaks of in the holy scripture. I know the dad we know isn't there right now. I miss my talks with him. He was my sounding board. I still hope and pray that he will regain his strength as the doctors determine the root of his health issues. It seems like such a slow process; but my prayer will continue to be for recovery for him so he can enjoy the cabin he always spoke of.
I love you mom. I trust that as he rests/sleeps, his body is healing and there will be a day we see him stronger.
I plan to come soon. Laura
Thinking of you and Bob today and praying for strength, comfort and peace. May you feel the nearness of your Savior today!
ReplyDeleteDEAR SISTER
ReplyDeleteI KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THRU. I KNOW YOU & BOB HAVE MORE LOVE THAN I HAD FOR FRANK. IF IT WAS NOT FOR MY KIDS I PROBLEY WOULD HAVE GONE TO PIECES. YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON & THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE & HELP YOU GET THRU THIS. I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU & YOUR KIDS
JO ANN
As I read your words, knowing inwardly through your words the depth of love you have for Bob, and he for you, my spirit grieves for your troubled heart. Though you feel weak, you are strong, and as with the others, prayer continues for you and Bob.
ReplyDeleteI sent you this note, but it was returned and not forwarded as I had wished. I guess the returned card has sat on the corner of the table for a few weeks....long enough!
ReplyDeleteBob and Charlene,
I'm sorry you weren't feeling well, Bob, and that I was unable to say this in person. I've prayed for you both often since God had our paths cross. My current prayer is as follows:
Dear LORD, Please be with Bob and Charlene as they strive to follow Your will. Please lift them up in Your Holy Hands physically, emotionally and spiritually. Be their guide and strength as they travel down the path You have laid for them. Grant them comfort and peace on their walk with You. Thank you for the time You have allowed us to get to know each other as they have touched and forever changed my life. They are an example of Your love, endurance, and kindness. They carry Your Light daily. Lord continue to guide, guard and direct their lives even though at times it seems and/or feels impossible. Thank you My Lord for Bob and Charlene. In His Name, AMEN!!!
I love you and will continue to pray for you both.
Lori Snook